How was your Valentine’s Day? Full of mushy kisses and Hallmark moments, or flowers and candlelight dinners? Something else?
I thought I’d ease up on the business tales and shower you with thoughts on love.
I follow a Harvard Business School Professor because … well… he bills himself as ‘Building a Happier World.’ Too often these days, I need to find solace in the cheerfulness that still exists but gets so easily overshadowed by negativity.
Dr. Arthur Brooks recently wrote on his socials —
“Work deliberately to make sure that your romance grows beyond the white-hot flame that characterizes new love.
Maintaining passionate love forever is not only an unrealistic goal but one that wouldn’t make you happy even if it were possible.
On the contrary, the most joyful, enduring romances are those that are able to evolve from passionate to companionate love—which still has plenty of passion but is fundamentally based on deep friendship.
To increase the odds of success, as your romance progresses, don’t ask yourself, ‘Is our passion as high as it was?’ but rather, ‘Is our friendship deepening?”
Now, if you’re anything like me, you’ve likely heard or read that there are five types of love language. There are words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
I suspect the hardest one to give is the one about quality time. We all know how keen most of us are to be full-on multi-taskers. I came up with something that might work. To help you answer the question, is our friendship deepening?
What you need.
A quiet space. Music is fine, as long as it is background. Go for a walk or sit together without the TV on and the kids/pets distracting you. Pour a libation if you like and settle in to thoughtfully ask each other the following questions.
I made up three basic rules.
The person asking the question needs to be answered.
The person answering the question needs to be heard.
There are NO wrong answers.
How to play.
Have these questions on a paper for each of you. Take turns asking each other questions. There is no requirement for each person to ask ALL the questions. There is no rule dictating only one person can ask the same question. The only rule is that all questions asked are answered honestly and thoughtfully.
Here are ten questions to get you started.
- What small thing do I do that makes you smile, even though I might not realize I’m doing it?
- If you could relive three moments from our relationship, which ones would you choose and why?
- What’s something you’ve always wanted to tell me but haven’t found quite the right moment for?
- When did you feel most proud of us as a team, and what made that moment special?
- If our relationship was a movie, what would be its defining song, and what scene would that song play during?
- What’s something you’ve learned about yourself through our relationship that surprised you?
- When do you feel most understood by me? Can you describe a specific moment?
- If we could master one new skill or hobby together, what would you choose for us to learn?
- What’s a quality in me that you admire but probably haven’t told me about?
- When you think about our future together, what small, everyday moment do you most look forward to sharing?
When you both decide you’ve had enough, the final question you must ask each other is, “Is our friendship deeper this year than last year?” This question cements the reflection and introspection exercise you completed and helps foster a deeper understanding of your partner, your relationship, and you.
What’s next, you ask? Trust me, your answers will drive your behaviour for the next year! Here’s to finding more love in all your relationships and uncovering deeper layers to your friendships.