Have you ever thought about the underlying reason behind why we get mad? Why that white hot flame explodes? The ONLY reason we ever get mad is because we have lost control of the situation. And the truth is, we humans want, love, and need control. Of course we do. It’s hardwired into us.

We’ve all been there. The boss needs you to cancel your plans and stay late. The grocery bill that used to be $150 is now $225. The car decides that NOW is the best time to get your attention by not playing nice. The insurance company advises you that certain important things in the policy are no longer covered. The family doctor tells you that time is of the essence and you need to get yourself to the ER. These situations, completely outside your control, can make you feel like you’re losing your grip on life.

Notice how every single one of these situations is completely outside your control.
And if you’re anything like me, your typical reaction is nowhere near that of a Mary Poppins. Maybe you swear like a sailor, complain to anyone nearby, or silently stew in frustration for hours. (C’mon, don’t lie. I know I’m not the only one.) Eventually, we always pick ourselves up and get on with life.

But all that energy we spend raging against things we can’t control? It’s exhausting. It changes nothing. And yet we keep doing it because giving up control feels impossible.

My Wake-Up Call

This summer, I’ve learned this lesson the hard way. I had hand surgery in early July, and three and a half months later, my recovery is slow and expensive. I fall outside the normal bands for regular public treatment and because I’d like some function again, I am maybe halfway through the weekly private sessions. And if I am very lucky, I’ll be at around 95% by next July when it all finally ends.

None of this is unusual, apparently. But nobody warned me at the beginning how frustrating it would be.

Here’s the problem: I’m someone who lives and dies by my annual goals, weekly to-do list and daily calendar. Not being able to do simple tasks at my normal speed has been maddening. Functioning with only one hand for three plus months has been frustrating. Watching my plans vanish into a puff of smoke? Hell on earth. Learning this is not going to significantly change over the next 8 months is well, you get the picture.

Knowing that being consumed with rage is not healthy, not liking the feeling of being mad every day and desperately wanting to change my black clouds into dull rainbows, I tried something different. Every time I got frustrated, I told myself: “Slow down, girl. Slow down to one-tenth of your normal speed. It will get done. It’s just not going to get done as fast.”

Embracing this mindset didn’t magically solve all my problems. But it did free me from the exhausting cycle of battling the uncontrollable. And you know what? The essential tasks still got done, and I found a sense of peace in the process.

Three Things That Actually Help

Let me share what I’ve learned (naturally the hard way) when I feel control slipping away.

Slow down.

When you can’t control the pace of something, stop fighting it. Accept the new reality. Things will happen, just not on your original timeline. Fighting that fact only makes you miserable.

Do your research.

Whenever someone tells me something I don’t like, especially about my health or finances, I dive deep. Some might call it obsessive. I call it getting on the same page. When I research something thoroughly and reach the same conclusion as the expert, I’m much calmer about accepting it. I still don’t control the situation, but I understand it. That helps more than you’d think.

Turn it into a game.

This sounds silly, but it works. When my hand therapy began, I started seeing how many reps I could do before needing a break, like beating my own high score. When paperwork piled up, I timed myself to see how fast I could sort it. Making something playful removes the emotional charge. Your brain shifts from panic mode to problem-solving mode.

And on those days when none of these work? I remind myself: “You don’t have control over this. Let it go.” Sometimes you just have to say it out loud. But you know what? It’s like a weight off your shoulders. Accepting the lack of control can be surprisingly liberating.

Finding Control Where You Can

I’m sharing this because I see so many of us losing our minds every single day. And no wonder. We’ve lost control over our job security, the cost of living, our financial futures, our country politics. Sometimes it feels like we don’t even control our own lives anymore.

We’re human. We crave control. That’s normal.

Here’s my question: can you find patterns in your “I don’t have control” moments? Can you turn them into minor inconveniences instead of catastrophes?

Let me give you an example. Maybe you regularly lock yourself out of your house or car. It happens every few months, and each time you’re furious with yourself.

Here’s a radical idea: accept it. Just assume that this is something you do. Then budget for it. Set aside $50 a month specifically for those locksmith visits. You can’t control your tendency to lose keys, but you can control whether it becomes a financial emergency every time. That’s actual power.

Or maybe you can’t control what your automobile emergency bills will be, but you know they happen every couple of years. Budget for it and put money aside. When the surprise bill arrives, you’re prepared. That sticker shock won’t disappear. But the panic and rage about finding the money? Gone.

The Truth About Control

Here’s what I’ve learned: we can’t control most of what happens to us. But we can control how we prepare for it and how we react to it. And honestly, that’s a lot of power. It’s not about controlling the situation, it’s about controlling our response to it.

So the next time you feel that white hot flame starting to build, try asking yourself: What small piece of this can I actually control? Then put your energy there instead of into the rage. It won’t make everything perfect, but it will give you a small sense of control in a world that often feels out of control.

It won’t make everything perfect. But it might just help you keep your sanity intact. And in a world that often feels out of control, that’s worth everything. It’s about finding stability in the storm, and that’s a powerful thing.